Today has been a very stressful very dark depressing day. Yesterday I got in a workout had a busy day getting items for kids.
I ran into my nephew which was a nice treat miss all my nephews and nieces haven’t seen them in so long. None of them were able to come to Savannah’s party.
My sons football practice got cut short again last night since of the ash from fires. Savannah was pretty good yesterday. But her sleeping habits have been horrible. She is keeping me up late waking up early and today she’s in the worst mood ever.
I did get her down for a nap which she desperately needs I hope that turns her mood around and our day around. But I missed my one chance to do pure barre this morning. My skin looks terrible and I feel worse than I look and I look horrible.
I am burnt out my husband is always out of town working which I so appreciate but after awhile it’s overload. I feel very depressed and alone.
Thankfully all the craziness with kids keeps me busy but I don’t have anything beyond that now. I don’t have reliable constant relationships people who text and call or see me each week.
My workouts are my only social time and me time and I don’t even get to go like I want right now. I feel like other than my wonderful kids who yes do stress me out like I’ve been now. No one would notice I was gone no one would miss me.
I can’t be strong all the time and today is clearly a day I’m feeling sad and broken. I think because my whole existence is wrapped up in my kids when their behavior is off it makes my whole being a failure as they are all I have.
Years back when I was raising Brandon on my own I still had things that made me feel like me. I was also very petite and in shape and beautiful.
With age and stress and life my body and looks have definitely gone down hill. The only time I get out is with my husband when he comes home for a few days but beyond that no time out on my own or time out with friends.
I’m over reaching out to family and friends and not having them put in any effort or very little. If I look at it like you would when you date someone and go I will wait until they call and they don’t then they just don’t care about you.
I’m sick of surface relationships I miss having everyday deep conversations and having people who truly cared for me missed me if they didn’t see me and who make time for me.
I am hoping our day will get better I know I need to plant a smile on my face and buck up and just make it through and be strong.
When I was a single parent I was getting more help my parents usually would take Brandon a weekend a month when I needed the break or a night when things were stressful.
Right now I have a partner but he’s always working out of town and my parents don’t offer anymore haven’t since I got married.
My husband doesn’t like us spending money on babysitting so I feel bad Brandon helps all he can but I can’t even take him to a movie or anything.
I’d love to take all three of us but Savannah is not a well behaved kid through a movie 🍿 theater or at practices for Brandon.
I enjoy Disney with her but because of football practice I can’t just take her during week while she’s home or go to sea world or beach or anything like that.
I’d like to have us in June lake with my husband at least for a few days. But I think in some way he’s happy we can’t be up there and enjoys the break of not having wife and kids around.
I’ve been missing him a lot. I need to try to just relax and rest while she naps and hopefully the afternoon will be way better than the first half of the day!