December 04, 2018

Feeling under the weather woke up around 3:30am can’t get back to sleep hot about 4 hours sleep will need some energy for my day.

Been so stressed always worried about money even more this time of year scared to spend. Ordered an appetizer while out with my friend at lunch yesterday just because of that. Didn’t want to order off regular menu.

I have so much to still get for Brandon he has three small items under the tree his sister has like the whole tree filled and she’s also got the outdoor playset we bought her.

I’m hoping I can get my broken nail repaired and get manicure soon. But I’m already trying to avoid groceries and just use what we have at home so the little bit of money can go to finish up some Christmas shopping.

My cousin got her first jolt on her own and I’d like to send a housewarming gift since I can’t make it so far out of town for her party.

I’d love to the kids to Disney every tine I see the money taken from my card it bums me out we haven’t been especially how for holiday decor.

I get hit with two separate payments adding up to over $200 a month and we definitely aren’t going every month.

I’ve been a pass holder for over 12 years and the prices keep going up more blackout dates more crowds even on weekdays.

I told my husband I’m done once these ones expire in the summer . At least for awhile just will do one or two trips with kids on holiday and Birthday.

I’m sad we can’t go more I love Disneyland. I hope I get my little one to Santa’s Village this season!

Didn’t find my mom Anything yesterday to get from kids. Already have dads gift from kids and gift from Jeff and I.

I’ve always been one to prefer the basics and I don’t really primp I don’t like a lot of makeup etc . Like my house casual and cozy.

I know because I’ve always been on a strict budget and had hard times financially both growing up and as an adult that in turn my kids will not take spending lightly.

My son sometimes I wish didn’t worry because now that he’s taller than my husband and I and over 100 pounds it pains me when he orders something like his sister whose three instead of nice steak off larger menu like when I took kids out.

When I took Brandon to Disney did his Birthday since I wasn’t on the trip to universal with his Dad and friends. He was worried about what snacks costed me and he’s at the age where the food is all we’re getting he doesn’t want toys or clothes etc at Disney.

I’m always happy for those I’ve seen living financially abundant and very rarely do I envy it.

But it would be nice to know for even a day how it feels to truly be able to eat wherever you want spend whatever it costs for item for kids or myself without even bothering to look at price.

I see where not only an adult but their youngsters sometimes as young as my three year old have not one but literally every color of the rainbow of bags that are well beyond my means.

My daughter isn’t missing anything and I prefer even though we’re not fancy that we are ourselves I know even if I was on Forbes I will never be like those who can be perfectly put together every moment and perfect outfits as if they are a fancy Barbie.

I do love to see it and I’m in awe of the ladies who are not pretending they really are that put together and fancy, stylish classy.

But I will always be a casual girl who yes occasionally plays dress up for a special event and always feels extra special at those moments.

There are some things that I would love to splurge on. But it’s all in due time. I have been wanting a new car for awhile but obviously not only need something as my mom car but that I absolutely love.

Balancing food is driving me crazy 😜 I want to be cooking new meals new recipes trying new ideas and making cool sweet treats I find on Pinterest.

But I also have been more than ten pounds over my goal weight since my daughter was born. Now even though I was under 120 before my weight gain I’d be happy even at 125 but have been low to mid 130s since 2015. Lowest I weighed since has been just before I started Pure Barre I was 131 I’ve actually gained weight but a lot has been muscle.

I hate my stomach it makes me feel pretty unattractive and frustrated. But clearly I don’t starve myself I still have carbs couldn’t imagine ever taking them out of the equation.

I want to gain more flexibility again my daughter loves dance and I wish I could do all that I could in my youth.

I’ve been praying more and reading each day. It always help bring me peace and boost my mood. I just feel like I pull away from my friends and from social situations when money is involved.

Last year we went to our sons school Gala and I felt like a fish out of water I had anxiety seeing all those around me spending money way more than I could be comfortable on during auction bids.

Seeing so many gowns and designer bags it was overwhelming. My dear friend is having people give money and sign card for our pure barre owner whose out sick in five Ruth signing card but even putting ten dollars in seems like a lot for me and I need to take out money from atm and then buy diverging to have change it’s made me dread going to workout today so I’m going to bring money but I don’t think I will even workout.

I’ve been missing doing my Peloton workouts. So want to get back to doing those.

I’d love to get rid of my stubborn belly fat and continue to build lean muscle.

I’m hoping the school orders we placed at Savannah’s school come in and come home with her today or by Friday.

We’ve said for years we’d get items to complete our wedding china set since we host all holidays. We’ve done good it’s like only chargers and champagne flutes and serving utensils we really need.

But even our everyday flatware is a mix we don’t have matching set and it drives me crazy been wanting to get our love story set and it’s been sold out since we waited until November to start looking to buy it .

When we finally get it I will be thrilled and we can use it everyday and finally have matching forks and spoons for everyone.

Savannah is in underwear all the time no school accidents but she still refuses to poop on potty she seriously at three still poops her pants or in bath. Then apologizes and says she needs to do it on potty.

I am at my wits end really don’t know what else I can do to speed this along. I was thrilled to be done with all that with Brandon and he was set before his second birthday.

I can at least say even though I keep getting four hours or less sleep ever since getting B 12 shot it’s helping my energy.

I just want to enjoy next few weeks leading up to Christmas instead I’ve been so anxious stressed unable to sleep stressed about money issues I don’t want to avoid getting dog groomed, getting car washed for way too long all because it’s expensive.

I want to get to a place where I don’t have anxiety each week about having money for groceries, dry cleaning and other Burbank stuff .

I don’t want to decline Birthday Party invites because money for gift is not in budget. I watched “Pretty Woman” recently and during the shopping spree I thought how nice I’d love to feel like that even when shopping at Target that just get whatever you want no stress of cost.

I could live in jeans, leggings and pjs but I would absolutely love one overpriced bag it’s on my wish list and hopefully one day I will get it. I also do dream of overpriced car. I miss my sapphire ring I have always had a sapphire ring since I got my first from my Nana at 11 years old.

When I finally had a really nice one a beautiful three deep blue genuine sapphires and surrounded by diamonds.

If got stolen with all my other jewelry that was not on my person five years ago when my house was broken into .

I’ve never replaced it but I have been longing to ever since. Everywhere I look that’s in my budget is lab created I want the same high quality genuine blue almost black sapphire stones. It’s my birth stone and I really am sad not having one anymore I’m 39 and had always had my birthstone ring on since I was 11 so being with out one has left a sentimental void to fill.

I felt bad for a friend of mine who everyone was commenting about something she said the other day. I felt like they were being harsh and I have seen her be very caring and giving.

So the fact she said she doesn’t buy gifts doesn’t necessarily mean anything bad she doesn’t really have any family she’s close with so I think that’s what she meant when she told them she doesn’t buy gifts.

I wasn’t there just heard it when scribe was taking about it to me. But she brought Savannah a gift for her Birthday. She just a week ago picked me up some turkey sausage to try and some sweet smelling hand soap just because. Which was so sweet so I hope people can be less critical.

We all have our issues and we all have things going on in our lives and some we just don’t share. I love all my dear friends but not all of them understand each other .

Well it’s now already 6 am my sons up it’s time to get ready and take kiddos to school soon.

Thanks for listening as I feel this post has been me venting. Hope everyone has a terrific day!

Published by 40fitmom

My Name is Jennifer .I was born and raised in California.I am the proud mother of two incredible children Brandon and Savannah.I enjoy trying new things,Outdoor adventures,new recipes, and travel, just to name a few.I hope to encourage others to try new things! I strive to learn as much as possible. I am on a journey to be my best self. Working out more drinking half my body weight in water. Meditating and journaling to find inner peace. I am working on my self esteem and have lots of goals I’m working towards. I cherish my family and friends and never take a single moment for granted.

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