September 24, 2019

I am so tired haven’t been getting great sleep. Was up at 3am again and been going all day. My period is driving me crazy too such a pain. So proud of Brandon’s GPA. I got in a barre workout this morning after dropping kids off to school.

I got all the bedding cleaned just have to make the bed when I get back home. Patrick refreshes my color since we weren’t able to do it Friday after the keratin. I have had major anxiety all day feels like a panic attack but less extreme. My hearts racing hard to focus pressure on chest.

I’ve been taking seep breaths and hydrating as much as possible. Doesn’t help matters that my tonsils are completely swollen again.

My son still needs five voulenteer hours before report cards come out and his football schedule is making it impossible for me to get more hours right now.

I am glad I’m going to the doctors on Friday. Want to let her know all my issues and see what helps. Will need to make a physical appointment as well since they said I couldn’t do that on initial visit.

Glad the weather is cooling off some. I’m not gonna get any barre workouts test of week my appointments are all in the am. Brandon has football every night and she has chucky cheese fundraiser on Friday night.

My body is tight and I just feel overly anxious. I want to get a facial soon. But also want to get stuff for Brandon’s birthday since it’s coming up. I need to figure out what I’m making for dinner tonight.

I want to work on Savannah’s name with her tonight again and her reading. I want to get some of my book read tonight too.

Making chicken Alfredo tonight it’s almost ready now. We dropped Brandon at football practice. Have my bed made just waiting for duvet to finish making my bed.

I will bath Savannah after dinner and get her in her pjs so her hair and read books with her before picking Brandon up.

I’m not feeling as anxious right now which is good. I feel more relaxed. My cramps are still terrible though.

We called my husband but he must have still been in his seminar or busy we weren’t able to reach him. I still need to get groceries tomorrow.

I need to make my goals lists and make action plan to achieve each goal. I need to get all the rest of laundry done tomorrow. I want to make some banana bread as well and some hard boiled eggs for us to snack on.

I got Brandon a couple of shirts today since his grades are great! He was happy and I was happy getting him those tops instead of getting something for me. I’ve always got more pleasure doing something nice for others than for myself.

I am going to save money for awhile to see if I can get a pair of earrings I can wear everyday since I don’t have a nice pair after robbery. Or a nice handbag.

Savannah is happy Daddy called us back and she got to talk to him. Sounded like his seminar went good today. I’m hungry tonight looking forward to eating our delicious dinner.

Hope everyone has had a nice day!

September Roundup

Sorry it’s been awhile since my last post. I’ve had a lot of stress and anxiety lately. I have felt so empty I fill up everyone around me with love and support and just haven’t felt it back. Not counting my children but it’s not up to them to make me feel supported and loved and good about myself.

I am turning 40 Sunday and it’s just going to be like any other passing day. It does make me feel sad. But I have a couple of friends whom have been so good to me and showed me I’m cared about.

I finally got a papsmere I hadn’t had one since I was pregnant with my daughter so it was over due. My hormones have been wacky lately which also doesn’t help.

I was hoping while my husband was in town he’d fix a few things around the house that need it. That he’s plan something special for my big birthday. That he’d help with getting kids to school to show me he knows how much effort I put in being the only parent here for weeks at a time and also want to spend that time with the kids.

Lots of business right now with football each week three practices a week two hours long and a game each Saturday. Brandon in tutoring after school on Monday’s.

Brandon’s GPA is A honor roll right now and I’m hoping to keep it that way or get him to gold leaf by report card.

My uncle is not doing well which makes me sad. He’s far away I can’t just go see him give him a hug and show him in person that I think he’s the best and cherish having him in my life.

Having him in my life has made my life better I will always treasure our big bags of books reading together. Listening to all his stories from real life travels. I’m hoping he knows how much he is loved!

My Birthday was not something I was looking forward to at all I knew even though 40 is a huge year to celebrate we weren’t going to travel or do a big party or dinner. Made me feel a little hurt.

My whole life my big birthdays have just come and gone with no celebration. 13, 16, 18,21,30 and now 40. Makes me depressed and feel a little less than important.

But it’s why I do all I can to make my kids Birthdays special. I was alone on almost every Birthday above my parents like to go on trips during my Birthday week and on the first three and my 21st I was at flight attendant training.

My 30th I did get to go to dinner and have a nice night with my son who was just a little guy then. But I do remember the great bashes I went to for others Birthday’s.

My son wrote the sweetest Instagram story post for me for my 40th. I also heard from lots of people my niece Trista my nephew Garret that meant a lot appreciated their sweet messages to me.

My wonderful friend Sheri and my bestie Sara truly went out of their way to make me feel special and I so appreciate it. I got time with my kids and husband which I’m always happy for.

My husband has been extremely stressed with work things that he knows are hurting his business and family relationships are not easy for him to face and deal with. I’m afraid it’s taking a serious toll on his health his happiness or lack their of and our family the kids and I never see him anymore.

When we do he’s so stressed he’s not in a good place to be truly in the moment with us. Things with us are not in a good place I feel like communication sucks and we have no intimacy we really need to work on us and reconnecting but we never get any fine just us we haven’t in quite awhile. The most we get is a movie out or dinner and movie during the week he’s home.

I need a lot more to fill my love tank especially when I feel mine is always running on fumes. It takes a lot when your the one parent at home 24/7 for weeks at a time filling up our kids tanks making sure they are great.

Listening and giving my parents love and attention everything they need. Making sure kids and I call my husband and reach him 1-2 times a day to FaceTime or talk while he’s away.

Some days I go and go and don’t even have energy field a bath for myself. I’ve felt so alone and depressed and seriously I’ve done the single parent thing before so that’s not what I wanted this marriage to feel like.

But right now and pretty much the whole time we’ve lived at this house my husbands away more than he’s home.

He’s working hard and we appreciate that. But kids are growing up and he’s missing it. If he doesn’t do what needs to be done to ease his stress and allow him more time with us to actually live with us the kids will be grown and not no what it’s like to live as a family of four. Our daughter calls our other house Daddy’s house and this one ours and is sad knowing he leaves to June Lake for work.

Brandon will be a senior in five years and that’s crazy. I moved Brandon and I up to June Lake before we got married and it was my husbands decision for us to move back to the desert when I was pregnant and his dad was going through cancer. He always says he wants to be here and not there. Yet each year he spends more time there and not with us.

Essentially the majority of our marriage my husbands been back and fourth between here and June Lake. My husband used to do work for the city of palm desert and loved it and was great at it. He also used to coach swimming and loved it. That being said he used to cycle and swim everyday and now I seriously can’t remember last time he went to swim laps or cycled. We bought a peloton so he could cycle at home when weather was bad for riding outside and he’s not used it.

I love it but it makes me sad that all my husbands passion is gone none for his hobbies for me for work it makes me sad. Life’s too short and I hope he makes choices that give him his passion back his happiness his health.

To stay with things are for him in June Lake he is not happy not fulfilled and constantly dealing with bs that he shouldn’t have to. He does like real estate which is something new for him. But of course he’s doing that there not here where he could do great and be home with his family.

I just know losing $20k + a month from lost rental revenue is not helping his stress and we can’t afford it especially when there are two great locations for his sister to be at that wouldn’t put financial strain on their business and mainly my husband. A beautiful lake house and a completely remodeled apartment that cost as much as we spent remodeling our house.

I think if my husband and his sister parted ways in business completely decided whom gets what. They would have a much better relationship as well as it would be easier for our family as a whole to have a family relationship again.

I hope she can see this arrangement is causing stress and health issues to my husband and it’s not making them closer. He is literally frustrated everyday. I think he truly feels trapped.

I hate that he tells me he never gets sleep when he’s up there. I have literally had horrible anxiety stress and panic attics over this whole situation. Because I see my husband drowning and he won’t grab the life line.

Me his other family and friends can’t make him do what he needs to ease his stress we give our advice and it’s up to him to make the choice and he has to live with his choice. Right now it’s like watching someone you love stuck in quicksand.

Just as your helping them they have another pulling them down deeper. It’s also hard because we want our family u fed one roof the kids are doing great st their schools and socially love having their grandparents here.

Hopefully they will at least have us do one to two family trips each year from now on because that’s really all the time they are gonna get with us to make special memories as a complete family.

They talk about our Hawaii trip everyday and I hope we take them back and go on many more adventures with them

I am frustrated because you’d think if the choice were for working nearly 7 hours drive a way from us it would be because financially it was good But we don’t own our home. I worry about basic expenses groceries, dry cleaning kids school pictures I literally have anxiety every week about it.

My husband is working non stop but like I said it’s like he’s removing water from a boat that keeps getting new holes in it. We want him home with us. My fear is by the time he makes us and being with us a priority the kids will be grown and our connection will be sparse or gone.

I want our kids to have him home with us. I want to have him home with us I want to see him happy swimming, cycling meeting friends out each week. Taking a romantic weekend or week getaway together. Golfing together just laughing together.

I constantly have people asking how do I deal with him being away so much. It’s sucks and it’s a lot of work doe me to be 24/7 with just me abs kids for so long. But I have the kids I don’t miss any of that I’m so blessed. I do miss out on taking them to do stuff is like to because money is extremely tight. I definitely don’t have any social life our kids are my life.

I want a balance. I want all of us under the same roof I want us to own our home. I want to feel the love and passion in my marriage again. I want our kids to look back and remember having both their parents with them in all their memories and I want them to see two people in love when they see their parents.

Another sleepless night time to get up now. My back and body aches and my cramps are killing me. I am hopeful that’s all I can be right now. Have a great day everyone! 😊😘🤗🙏🏡

September 03, 2019

So we had a nice Labor Day weekend! Saturday we got a lot done did some errands had kids and I clean out our rooms.

Worked on reading and writing with Savannah. Watched movies together after dinner.

Sunday we also enjoyed pool and we hung out played some games it was nice and relaxing. I got a B12 shot which was much needed.

Monday we had a nice breakfast and spent the day with our friends poolside and I made a yummy chicken dinner that everyone enjoyed. We had storms Saturday and Sunday evenings.

It was gloomy a bit today but no rain as of yet. Savannah and I had a good day I worked out on my peloton. Been organizing the house more.

Savannah has back to school night tonight and then we race Brandon to football practice. Hopefully he had a great day at school !

My 40th Birthday is in 19 days and I can’t say I’m looking forward to it. But oh well!

Hope everyone had a great weekend! 😊