April 27, 2020

Here we go now week 7 in quarantine. It’s hard to imagine what it will feel like in our world once outside life starts to open up again. We have been in this isolated new state for nearly two months now.

I know that being at home concentrating on the kids and our family more than ever before not being able to do anything outside of our house means we have been getting creative.

I’ve been looking in during this time more than ever. It’s good but as most people know looking in and looking at your life can also make you very overwhelmed very sad.

Like so many others this has meant spending our anniversary in quarantine. We also were spending Easter at home in quarantine instead of being on the Disney cruise we booked which would have been so amazing and our kids first cruise ever.

My son is graduating 8th grade but there won’t be a ceremony. Passion Play did not happen as we are in quarantine. His 8th grade dance won’t happen that was supposed to be this coming Friday there class trip to Disneyland as well as so much more.

My sons GPA was the highest it’s ever been and when we got his report card I was thrilled and proud. We haven’t been able to give him the grade money he worked his butt off for and that’s making me so sad especially knowing his grades are amazing again and when we get his final junior high report card which will end up being A honors I don’t know when we will be able to give him grade money for this as well as his last one.

I know he is patient I just want hard work rewarded. I have a lot of rules for him and he has a lot of chores which his friends don’t seem to have any. Also majority of kids he knows get allowance even without doing chores. So the fact that I don’t give him an allowance for chores not the basic ones but the larger ones is all because of financials. With him being an honor student he should be getting allowance money and grade reward money and I am hopeful that once this quarantine is over we can get that all handled.

The goal this week is to get my license renewal classes done once I get signed up. I’m looking forward to attending the live rise online I got the basic ticket. My little one loves playing with her brother and he always helps with her which is great but awhile back she broke his headset that he uses while gaming and it’s not working at all now for him.

Savannah has made me so proud while we have been home doing this quarantine she has been working on sight words and reading and she’s doing so great. She still does her Monday chapel from home each week. She has a great teacher who was actually her teacher last year not this year that sends us videos of her reading new books to Savannah each week sometime multiple.

Savannah has been dying to go in our pool and now we’re finally in triple digit weather so the pool should be warming up enough to go in. Savannah has been helping around the house little chores tidying up her stuff more. I’m so proud of her. She’s been so cute doing FaceTime chats with her friends while we are social distancing.

Mothers Day is coming up and it will be the first year I’m not getting a beautiful handmade gift from my children as school is not in session. I’m hoping that we are not in quarantine during Savannah’s Birthday.

I’ve got my son set up with a virtual meeting with his high school counselor to get his freshman schedule figured out. He’s growing up so quickly. So is my little one I am trying to savor every moment with them. I am so sad when we have time apart now as I know that time is slipping away.

I turn 41 this year and I more than ever want to push for my dreams and for growth. I do still want to put my children and family first especially for us to have quality family time all of us together trips and adventures and game nights and lots of fun activities to watch Savannah try and get better at each class. So excited to watch my son play high school football and basketball the next four years.

I haven’t asked how I’m doing what I need what I want in so long. I enjoyed Rise Toronto so much but it definitely brought out another of emotions. It was not easy it was hard to dive in face a lot of self esteem issues and fear based issues. It was also so uplifting and I need more of that in my life.

I wish more than anything that I could afford to go to therapy. I know that until I can work through theses issues and feel whole on my own feel high self esteem and love for myself again. Until then I cannot work on relationships outside myself. I am in the pre menopause stages have been for quite awhile my hormones have reeked havoc on my body and emotions. When you don’t feel beautiful and comfortable in your own skin. It’s pretty impossible to want to be intimate plus my sex drive has complete gone. I’m hoping it will come back to normal once my hormones get under control.

I am so used to doing for others making others comfortable catering to them helping them as they reach for their dreams. It’s time for me to reach for mine and have those I care most about help me and cheer me on as I work towards these dreams.

I don’t want to live my life half dead and I know living while suppressing my dreams and being scared to go for it or just casting them aside to make others feel more comfortable I am not living. When you give up your dream you die.

I feel in some ways the woman I once was is lost. I am trying to dig deep and get her back but a stronger version. I feel like I am wild animal who was caged and tamed and my wings were clipped and have lost my spirit and dreams. So many people allow others or even themselves clip their wings cage them to tame their wild. What’s sad is when this person has so much fear that even when they see everything they are meant for they stay in the cage even when it’s not locked.

I have been organizing our home and deep cleaning every area. I’ve been reading as much as possible. I know that I want to be around more people that are achievers, hustlers, dreamers, who are constantly learning and growing. I need to be around positive people. Negative people suck the life out of you and I cannot have them around me especially now while I am working on myself to be more positive more productive and have belief in myself and my dreams. I have been careful of what I’m taking in on social media as well I don’t want anything that will bring me down I just want positivity.

This year has already taken loved ones away I’ve lost two aunts but I know they are my guardian angels now watching over us all now. I don’t want to keep myself small anymore. I don’t want to to settle. Not in any aspect of my life it’s time for me to start fully living again 40 is way too young to give up and throw in the towel. So I am going to get up and fight to become whole to strive for my dreams and for all my relationships to be the best they can be.

I hope everyone has been doing good during this quarantine life. I appreciate you more than you will ever know. Thank you for taking the moment to read my thoughts. 🤗🙏🏡

Published by 40fitmom

My Name is Jennifer .I was born and raised in California.I am the proud mother of two incredible children Brandon and Savannah.I enjoy trying new things,Outdoor adventures,new recipes, and travel, just to name a few.I hope to encourage others to try new things! I strive to learn as much as possible. I am on a journey to be my best self. Working out more drinking half my body weight in water. Meditating and journaling to find inner peace. I am working on my self esteem and have lots of goals I’m working towards. I cherish my family and friends and never take a single moment for granted.

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