June 29, 2020

So happy my kids got to enjoy a little back to normal today. My daughter went to her summer camp. She did wear a mask 😷 upon arrival and for some of her day but she had so much fun being there and meeting new kids having kids around her was so great ! My son got to go get his spirit pack and we paid for camp and gear for his football 🏈 which will hopefully be starting workouts July 6. I was able to get more done today whole my little one was at camp. Had a great day until overbearing demanding bullying family member brought toxicity to my day and was callus and only concerned with themselves. It’s hard my whole 40 years I’ve been a people pleaser and it is like being a masochist and I don’t recommend it to anyone. I love seeing people happy and making people happy but some people no matter how much you do will ever appreciate it. It will never be enough. I grew up having to be the good child as my brother was the wild rebellious child and my parents also fought so much and it was rough. Dealing with that alcoholism and my mom always locking herself in her room. Yet they always wanted people to have a different perception so I was very isolated no friends allowed over always told to hide things pretend all is well. Never asked how I was doing if I needed anything by the time I was my sons age I’d be left alone for days or a week to fend for myself. Even after graduating and moving out trying to please keep everyone happy seek love from parents who only gave conditional love was exhausting and it’s brought be so much pain and heartache. To never feel fully unconditionally loved by your parents is pretty tough. I also feel pretty weak considering how bad I’ve tried and foolishly haven’t learned in 40 years that my relationship with them will always be toxic and they will never love unconditionally. I am lucky I’ve had other adult figures that I felt I could go to and felt unconditionally loved most of them I didn’t get to have the rime with until I was over 18 as I was sheltered didn’t get to talk to or see grandparents or aunt and uncle everyday not even every week or month usually just big holidays. My grandparents were truly special and I loved all of them so much. My aunt that lived close to me from my twenties until this year passed away in January and she was great too we had a very good relationship I could talk to her about anything we had a great bond I enjoyed hearing about all her life adventures as well. She also supported me and saw how much pressure I felt and how stressed I was when my parents hovered or injected themselves too much.It was even her idea when I was about to be 21 to go apply to be a flight attendant so I could get some distance from them and I did and I moved out of state. I did get calls at minimum everyday from my dad telling me how my weather sucked and his was great . I was free though even more so then when I would move two hours away to have a life of my own. I was always told that only thing that was good enough was to do what they wanted and when I did and worked for them I barely scraped by. I remember when my son was less than a year old and they were having a hard time paying me they had a friend of ours in mortgage put out feelers for interest from others for a personal assistant so I could also have medical coverage I’d been licensed in real estate at that point for ten years so had good experience. When I got a great offer paying nearly three times what I made per month with medical and a flexible schedule and I was ready to accept. I was told by my father that I’d be disowned if I accepted the job. I foolishly went the loyal route and turned it down. Which insured no one would want to take that risk again since my family owned a company and less than six months later when my father was not getting his way with something outside of work he fired me with no notice no severance nothing and there I was single mother who threw away a wonderful paying salary job with benefits for someone who treated me like a disposable non important person in their life or work. There are too many other instances like this where I wonder if I should have just cut ties. But I have always wanted my then son and now both my children to have as much family in their lives as possible. But having people that are very conditional in live very one sided and whom also are controlling by nature is so hard. Everyone has had things to work through with family members and parents are not perfect. I know I am not either. It doesn’t matter how much I love them if they don’t give love in return. If they don’t respect boundaries and especially do not respect our family and our life. I will definitely have to soul search on how much space I need but right now I feel as things stand only major family holidays and kids birthdays because I’ve set boundaries asked for respect, love appreciation and have never or rarely got it. My husband and I go out of our ways to be accessible and have the kids call and when it turns into even a call once a day is not enough multiple while we have so much going on as well as not calling before dropping by just coming in house using our code setting our alarm off it’s so frustrating. My day was great! Even though my night was toxic and hard. One thing I’ve learned is to look for the good in each moment and each day. I have a lot to be thankful for. Even with all the stress I also try not to cut parents out because even if I have scars that feel like fresh wounds from a rough child hood and adult hood With them. I have always been able to find the good memories the good times the moments that made me able to put up with so much and be hopefully that things could improve. I wish I had had a family that cared about my school and activities and encouraged me to work hard and encouraged me to take SATS and go to college but it was opposite they only wanted me to do what they did. I am so proud of my sons grades I push him to do his best so he will have so many choices and that he gets to do what he wants. I am even thrilled for him when he looks for colleges some on other side of country I want him to above all be happy and be true to himself and know I love him and support him in all he does. My youngest is very independent which I love it does make parenting challenging sometimes. But it’s truly one of the traits I live most about her. I always encourage them to call and spend time with family my parents love them and the kids enjoy the time they get. My daughter had a blast with her Aunt while up in June Lake and I am so happy they have a special bond. My nephews and niece have been so good when they are around the kids as well there is a big age difference since my kiddos are 13 and 4 and my oldest nephew is 26, then 18, my niece 17. When I was 17 and again when I was pregnant at 27 I sought out therapy both times cut short. When I was pregnant I had asked my parents as I was very anxious but second therapist brought up my childhood and my parents my dad pulled me out and refused to pay. So sad I couldn’t afford it myself so I never was able to go back. At 40 I wish I have had that luxury I envy those who are able to get to therapy and work out issues. On a brighter note my sweet girl is almost Five and it’s my goal to make her Birthday a special one. I know we won’t have a birthday party this year or Disney at least o. Her actual birthday. But if we can get away just the four of us for her birthday for a couple of days In Our RV has think she will love that. My son is growing up so fast and he is such a gentlemen I am truly so blessed to have such an amazing son. I truly have been blessed with the most wonderful children. Challenging at times oh yes but they are my greatest gifts from God and being their mother is the best job in the world. I do wish my grandparents had got to meet my daughter. They would have adored her. I am so happy my son got time with my grandparents before they passed away.i hope everyone is having a great Monday and that June was a good month for you ! 😊😂👍🏻🏈🌵😘😷

June 24, 2020

Enjoyed a couple of weeks in June Lake. Now we are back and the kiddos are getting ready for camp and football. We had a zoom call Monday for my sons football and we go to turn in all our paperwork and pay for camp and spirit pack on Monday. My little one starts camp on a Monday which will be so nice for her to be around other kids again. She went and tried on some uniforms this week so we know what size to order her for school. We had a nice pool & bbq evening with my parents at our house last night kids really enjoyed. My weight has increased so much in last two years and I know a lot of it is my hormone changes which I am trying to get under control. Frustrating since I do workout a good amount and eat fairly healthy. We are gearing up for Savannah’s 5th Birthday we won’t be having a Birthday party which is a bummer or getting to do our normal Disney trip. But I will do my best to get her some nice gifts and make or buy her a nice cake. Things are definitely starting to open back up around here which is nice. I got to see my bestie yesterday which was so nice. Have my coaching live today so I am making sure to go back over my course sections to see if I have any questions. Been waking up nice and early since we got back in town and sleeping good. I have not been on my peloton yet since we got back but been doing the app workouts for core and meditation. Savannah had a great dentist checkup yesterday looking good and no cavities. I’ve been slacking on my reading the last two weeks. I need to get back to reading 2-3 books a week. Can’t believe how fast time is flying by. Will need to get kids school clothes and shoes and backpacks very soon. My sons phone is not charging or turning on so this is frustrating we will most likely have to take it in to get replacement. I want to try out noom for getting my weight down. I also want to start meal prepping and planning our meals more. We went out to eat a lot while out of town. I still can’t believe my niece just turned 17 and my nephew is heading to college in August. So proud of them they are such great kids. Excited for my kiddos starting kinder and high school this fall. Hope everyone is having a good summer! Hope that things are getting back to normal for everyone! 😊🤗😷😍🙏🏡🌈

June 6, 2020

Now that kids have had their drive through graduations 🎓 distance learning has ended. We have been seeing things open up which is so nice. Still wearing masks and have been on an evening curfew since riots and protests started this past week. For our children’s graduations we celebrated just the four of us took them out to Kobe Japanese steakhouse. That is a favorite of the kids and our whole family. We wore our masks until we got served drinks and food. We were happy to get out to celebrate our youngest becoming a kindergartner and our oldest becoming a high school freshman. We were also finally able to get haircuts which felt so good. My husband and I went out a few times before he left town for work. My kids are looking forward to being around people again. They have each had sone friend time last two weeks my daughter had some pool time with one of her best friends Jack. My son had two nice days with his best buddy Titan. Football should be starting up end of this month and my son is so excited misses sports so much. My daughter is all signed up for her summer camp which also should be starting the end of June. I have been deep cleaning and organizing our home. Finally got some drawer organizers for my kitchen drawers. Took everything out of cabinets and drawers cleaned everything and then put back. We have had some windy weather so haven’t been in pool I. A little bit. I’ve been reading a lot during this time at home. My son made us proud yet again with his A honors and we made sure he knew we were extremely proud of his hard work making honors at every grade period the last three years working so hard. I’ve been so great full that my daughters teacher from last year has been sending her wonderful videos of her reading books for Savannah every week. Her teachers from this year made a great graduation video of the children which was so precious. Brandon’s school put on a great drive through graduation for our 8th graders. I am keeping up with workouts this month in May I took about two weeks off which at my age is way too long. I hope everyone is doing well and hanging in there with life as 2020 has definitely been a crazy ride so far. 🎓🤗🖤👨‍🎓🌺💗🏡🙏