June 29, 2020

So happy my kids got to enjoy a little back to normal today. My daughter went to her summer camp. She did wear a mask 😷 upon arrival and for some of her day but she had so much fun being there and meeting new kids having kids around her was so great ! My son got to go get his spirit pack and we paid for camp and gear for his football 🏈 which will hopefully be starting workouts July 6. I was able to get more done today whole my little one was at camp. Had a great day until overbearing demanding bullying family member brought toxicity to my day and was callus and only concerned with themselves. It’s hard my whole 40 years I’ve been a people pleaser and it is like being a masochist and I don’t recommend it to anyone. I love seeing people happy and making people happy but some people no matter how much you do will ever appreciate it. It will never be enough. I grew up having to be the good child as my brother was the wild rebellious child and my parents also fought so much and it was rough. Dealing with that alcoholism and my mom always locking herself in her room. Yet they always wanted people to have a different perception so I was very isolated no friends allowed over always told to hide things pretend all is well. Never asked how I was doing if I needed anything by the time I was my sons age I’d be left alone for days or a week to fend for myself. Even after graduating and moving out trying to please keep everyone happy seek love from parents who only gave conditional love was exhausting and it’s brought be so much pain and heartache. To never feel fully unconditionally loved by your parents is pretty tough. I also feel pretty weak considering how bad I’ve tried and foolishly haven’t learned in 40 years that my relationship with them will always be toxic and they will never love unconditionally. I am lucky I’ve had other adult figures that I felt I could go to and felt unconditionally loved most of them I didn’t get to have the rime with until I was over 18 as I was sheltered didn’t get to talk to or see grandparents or aunt and uncle everyday not even every week or month usually just big holidays. My grandparents were truly special and I loved all of them so much. My aunt that lived close to me from my twenties until this year passed away in January and she was great too we had a very good relationship I could talk to her about anything we had a great bond I enjoyed hearing about all her life adventures as well. She also supported me and saw how much pressure I felt and how stressed I was when my parents hovered or injected themselves too much.It was even her idea when I was about to be 21 to go apply to be a flight attendant so I could get some distance from them and I did and I moved out of state. I did get calls at minimum everyday from my dad telling me how my weather sucked and his was great . I was free though even more so then when I would move two hours away to have a life of my own. I was always told that only thing that was good enough was to do what they wanted and when I did and worked for them I barely scraped by. I remember when my son was less than a year old and they were having a hard time paying me they had a friend of ours in mortgage put out feelers for interest from others for a personal assistant so I could also have medical coverage I’d been licensed in real estate at that point for ten years so had good experience. When I got a great offer paying nearly three times what I made per month with medical and a flexible schedule and I was ready to accept. I was told by my father that I’d be disowned if I accepted the job. I foolishly went the loyal route and turned it down. Which insured no one would want to take that risk again since my family owned a company and less than six months later when my father was not getting his way with something outside of work he fired me with no notice no severance nothing and there I was single mother who threw away a wonderful paying salary job with benefits for someone who treated me like a disposable non important person in their life or work. There are too many other instances like this where I wonder if I should have just cut ties. But I have always wanted my then son and now both my children to have as much family in their lives as possible. But having people that are very conditional in live very one sided and whom also are controlling by nature is so hard. Everyone has had things to work through with family members and parents are not perfect. I know I am not either. It doesn’t matter how much I love them if they don’t give love in return. If they don’t respect boundaries and especially do not respect our family and our life. I will definitely have to soul search on how much space I need but right now I feel as things stand only major family holidays and kids birthdays because I’ve set boundaries asked for respect, love appreciation and have never or rarely got it. My husband and I go out of our ways to be accessible and have the kids call and when it turns into even a call once a day is not enough multiple while we have so much going on as well as not calling before dropping by just coming in house using our code setting our alarm off it’s so frustrating. My day was great! Even though my night was toxic and hard. One thing I’ve learned is to look for the good in each moment and each day. I have a lot to be thankful for. Even with all the stress I also try not to cut parents out because even if I have scars that feel like fresh wounds from a rough child hood and adult hood With them. I have always been able to find the good memories the good times the moments that made me able to put up with so much and be hopefully that things could improve. I wish I had had a family that cared about my school and activities and encouraged me to work hard and encouraged me to take SATS and go to college but it was opposite they only wanted me to do what they did. I am so proud of my sons grades I push him to do his best so he will have so many choices and that he gets to do what he wants. I am even thrilled for him when he looks for colleges some on other side of country I want him to above all be happy and be true to himself and know I love him and support him in all he does. My youngest is very independent which I love it does make parenting challenging sometimes. But it’s truly one of the traits I live most about her. I always encourage them to call and spend time with family my parents love them and the kids enjoy the time they get. My daughter had a blast with her Aunt while up in June Lake and I am so happy they have a special bond. My nephews and niece have been so good when they are around the kids as well there is a big age difference since my kiddos are 13 and 4 and my oldest nephew is 26, then 18, my niece 17. When I was 17 and again when I was pregnant at 27 I sought out therapy both times cut short. When I was pregnant I had asked my parents as I was very anxious but second therapist brought up my childhood and my parents my dad pulled me out and refused to pay. So sad I couldn’t afford it myself so I never was able to go back. At 40 I wish I have had that luxury I envy those who are able to get to therapy and work out issues. On a brighter note my sweet girl is almost Five and it’s my goal to make her Birthday a special one. I know we won’t have a birthday party this year or Disney at least o. Her actual birthday. But if we can get away just the four of us for her birthday for a couple of days In Our RV has think she will love that. My son is growing up so fast and he is such a gentlemen I am truly so blessed to have such an amazing son. I truly have been blessed with the most wonderful children. Challenging at times oh yes but they are my greatest gifts from God and being their mother is the best job in the world. I do wish my grandparents had got to meet my daughter. They would have adored her. I am so happy my son got time with my grandparents before they passed away.i hope everyone is having a great Monday and that June was a good month for you ! 😊😂👍🏻🏈🌵😘😷

Published by 40fitmom

My Name is Jennifer .I was born and raised in California.I am the proud mother of two incredible children Brandon and Savannah.I enjoy trying new things,Outdoor adventures,new recipes, and travel, just to name a few.I hope to encourage others to try new things! I strive to learn as much as possible. I am on a journey to be my best self. Working out more drinking half my body weight in water. Meditating and journaling to find inner peace. I am working on my self esteem and have lots of goals I’m working towards. I cherish my family and friends and never take a single moment for granted.

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