October 19, 2019

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Fall is here

Well we’ve been busy with school, voulenteer hours and lots of football practices, games and also watching games on tv as well. Would love to take my son to a live NFL game.

We’ve had picture day at both schools. Got out our fall decor enjoyed the cooler weather going to the park and playing in our backyard.

I’ve been doing the last 90 day challenge. I’ve been doing pure barre 4-5 days a week and my peloton. Enjoyed some pumpkin bread already.

We’ve survived the flu at my house it was ugly but we made it through. We’re gearing up for my sons 13th Birthday very excited about that.

This week I go see my regular doctor to get my lab results. Then I also see a ears nose and throat doctor the afternoon after I go on Savannah’s field trip to pumpkin patch.

I enjoyed a pumpkin facial last week as a belated birthday present to myself. The kids have got a few scrapes Brandon from football. Savannah is both a Tom boy and a little clumsy.

Looking forward to Halloween with the kiddos. Working on getting more sleep each night and waking up earlier. Missing using our pool wish it was heated.

Would love to go to a Rise Conference. I’ve been reading a lot more books lately which makes me of so happy I love to read.

I am so tired I will talk to you guys again soon goodnight 😴 and God bless πŸ™

October 6, 2019

Well this week was pretty good I kept busy with my Pure Barre workouts. I am doing last 90 days program and so far I am having great momentum.

Tuesday and Wednesday I was able to have coffee with friends. Tuesday Barbara and Sheri and I went after our barre class and had a nice time catching up.

Brandon had football practice in La Quinta Tuesday and Wednesday night. Wednesday I got an long overdue facial by Courtney it was great a wonderful belated birthday treat.

My hip has been incredibly tight and my lower back on left side as well as rotator on right side. So I went in for a painful massage. It was excruciating but it did loosen up my body and I felt so much better after.

But geez I will be happy when I can just have relaxing massages again every time I’ve gone since my injury I have to get the deep tissue and sports massages and they hurt.

Brandon has his service hours after school Thursday night. I had really good workouts Thursday and Friday.

I finished another book Demi Moore’s autobiography was good. Now on to another new book. Friday Brandon got our early so we went to see the Joker movie.

We had a night in family nights are always great! Saturday we got up had breakfast got Brandon ready for football game.

His friend gave him a ride to the game which I’m so glad because Savannah ended up puking and being stomach sick all weekend poor thing.

Today we took it easy and Savannah was feeling good no puking that is until bedtime. So I guess I’m keeping her home tomorrow and we will just see how she’s doing tomorrow night.

She’s going to miss her first day of yoga πŸ§˜β€β™€οΈ which is a bummer and Tuesday is picture day so hoping she’s better by then.

Brandon will have his tutoring after school tomorrow he’s been keeping steady at A honors and hopefully he will this whole year or get gold leaf. He’s doing so great in school and football. I’m so proud of him.

His birthday is this month can’t believe he will be 13 years old. He’s such an amazing brother to Savannah too.

Savannah adores him and they have such a sweet relationship. The weather is still up and down it hasn’t completely cooled down yet.

I will have to make sure Brandon and I don’t get sick this week and that I get Savannah healthy and back to school by Tuesday.

I have two upcoming doctor appointments both next week I. The 16th and 18th. My Aunt is not doing good which worries me. Guess I will find out more soon. My uncle is in the hospital so I really am sad thinking of them not doing well.

Also it’s hard on my mom to see her siblings not doing well she loves them so much. I’ve started to put out fall decor. This week woke up and had all our holiday boxes toppled over in garage and unfortunately some fall and Xmas decor items had broken.

I need to still get a few errands done so either I will do at the end of the day when Savannah is up to it or on Tuesday.

I’ve been up since midnight checked on Savannah and couldn’t get back to sleep. I will be feeling it today.

I am so blessed to be a mom I’ve seen friends struggle to have children gone through IVF and much more. I was lucky enough to get both a boy and a girl 9 years apart and they are the best.

I am ready to start traveling with them everywhere. I love to travel and before becoming a mom I went to Europe and South America and went to NYC a lot. I am very ready to return to a life of travel.

It will be special to have my children with me. Also overdue for some adult vacations with my hubby.

He’s back in June lake again until the 15th. Much colder there than here and he’s still working on getting the burned units rented and the other cabins as well.

Brandon has his school dance this week. We also have three nights of football practice and another away game this weekend.

Savannah has Yoga which she will miss today since she’s sick Cooking, Tuesday and Music and Movement on Thursday and Soccer on Friday.

I have found that the more I remove toxic people from my everyday life. The happier I am I am blessed to have such good positive people in my life.

Kids and I our sad that it’s now getting too cold to go in pool. We’d love to be able to swim in it year round.

I’m glad my kids get to see my parents all the time and that I see them all the time. It’s a sad thing when people don’t get to see their grandkids or kids.

Tomorrow isn’t promised and you think you never want to wish you had made amends and shown love while someone was here.

Regret is not something you want to have in life. Some things you can never get back. Some people want things or people to be so perfect that they simply miss out they don’t marry or don’t have kids because they waited too long. That’s different from those who just know parenting is not for them.

The ones that wanted to and stayed with people who didn’t want the same or did things that hindered them becoming a parent. Its sad

Had I waited until life was perfect I wouldn’t be a mother of two amazing children. I’ve never worked so hard as I have being a parent. That’s why no matter how much money I could be making outside my home. I am happy and fulfilled with doing the most rewarding job.

That unfortunately goes by so fast I feel like at warp speed sometimes. I still reach goals and also have lots of goals for myself as well but I prioritize my time with my children.

I am finding a balance and as they are growing up more each year it allows me to pursue my personal goals. I couldn’t imagine being happy even if I was the wealthiest most successful person. If I wasn’t a mother I wouldn’t want to be at the age when you lose your parents and have no more family. No children no grandchildren I couldn’t even imagine it would seem so lonely.

But I’m someone who always wanted marriage and kids and likes to stay close with family and friends. Not everyone has the same needs.

I am amazed and thrilled with each milestone my kids have just seeing them enjoy activities and sports. Go to school dances are so great.

My son will be driving in three years which seems crazy boy time flies. He is already a great cook not only can prepare food for him but could easily make us breakfast lunch or dinner for our family.

He has a great work ethic already which I love. Savannah is very independent and wants to do things on her own and she is always so proud of herself as am I when she completes a task or achieves a goal.

Both my kids have a ton of friends and are well liked and are good people who include everyone. They both know how to make me smile 😊 almost in an instant even when I’m sad or having a bad day.

I am feeling sleepy but of course it’s almost time for sunrise and getting kids ready for their day.

I am ready for my day thinking I need to make some tea. Have a great day !

October 1st 2019

Well we had a busy weekend Jeff for home Thursday night and I took Savannah to see Abominable it was a cute movie. Friday I had my doctors appointment. Not liking this doctor they have a terrible bedside manner.

Savannah had the chucky cheese fundraiser after school so we went there fed the kids. Then we got some CPK for dinner. Went gone took it easy.

Saturday Brandon had a home game so we had some Starbucks and an early lunch. Dropped him to practice then went back to watch the game. He played great and they won again.

I had made reservations to take Jeff out to Mastros for an early birthday dinner. It was a nice dinner and nice evening out. We stopped by Pacifica afterwards before heading hone.

Sunday I went and did my pure barre workout. Brandon went to see and Angel game for his friends Birthday with a few kids. I wasn’t feeling great so I just rested and Jeff took Savannah to my Donald’s to eat and play.

Later on we picked Brandin up and took kids to spaghetti factory for dinner. Then I got kids all set for school week.

Monday was Jeff’s actual birthday kids had school so I booked dinner at another of his favorite restaurants that was just opening back up again for season. Backstreet Bistro. Since Jeff and I had errands to run after I did my blood work and got a mani pedi.

We went to Don Diego’s for Jeff’s birthday lunch then got our Costco groceries. We picked up kids later and got ready for our dinner. Jeff was happy with the gifts we got him. Nothing extravagant just heartfelt cards from me and kids. Bought him joke books from Savannah as she asks him daily to tell her knock knock jokes. New framed pictures of kids for his desk in June Lake. The last 90 day journal.

This morning he had to head back to June Lake after the kids went to school. I got in a pure barre workout and went for my waxing. Did all the laundry which had piled up.

Picked up kids took kids to early dinner before football practice. Once we got Brandon from practice it was time to clean up and go to bed.

I’m so tired. But I woke up around 5am and doesn’t look like I’m getting back to sleep. My throat feels like I have something stuck in it and it’s so uncomfortable and has been like this on and off since February.

I have an appointment with abs ears Nose and throat doctor later this month. I also go back to get my lab results that same week.

Have Brandon’s 13th Birthday all set abs planned all guests invited and RSVP he has a nice group of friends. He’s such a great kid his grades are awesome he’s playing well in football. He’s so living abc helpful with Savannah. He’s definitely one of the popular kids and all the girls give him lots of attention.

Thankfully he has a great head on his shoulders and is truly a good kid. He does a good amount of chores around the house and he works hard at school and football.

Savannah is sleeping in here with me little cutie. She started in her bed but came in early this morning. I love my precious girl. I had been holding on to a pair of shoes I got her in summer and socks during Bogo sale on purpose so when she was extra good I could surprise her.

I gave her the paw patrol shoes last night before bed and her princess socks she was so excited. I laid then out for her to wear today to school.

It was nice yesterday to catch up with my friends Barbara and Sheri they are so great we do barre class together and I am blessed to have such sweet friends.

I’m looking forward to coffee with Sara today feel like I haven’t seen my bestie in ages. Hopefully my husband is getting sleep in June Lake! Hope that he gets all units rented that have been out if commission. We ordered our Tru living shirts to support Truman. He’s such an amazing kid so brave such a positive light. I pray everyday for him and his parents to get home soon and back to everyone that loves them. Hope everyone had a great day!

September 24, 2019

I am so tired haven’t been getting great sleep. Was up at 3am again and been going all day. My period is driving me crazy too such a pain. So proud of Brandon’s GPA. I got in a barre workout this morning after dropping kids off to school.

I got all the bedding cleaned just have to make the bed when I get back home. Patrick refreshes my color since we weren’t able to do it Friday after the keratin. I have had major anxiety all day feels like a panic attack but less extreme. My hearts racing hard to focus pressure on chest.

I’ve been taking seep breaths and hydrating as much as possible. Doesn’t help matters that my tonsils are completely swollen again.

My son still needs five voulenteer hours before report cards come out and his football schedule is making it impossible for me to get more hours right now.

I am glad I’m going to the doctors on Friday. Want to let her know all my issues and see what helps. Will need to make a physical appointment as well since they said I couldn’t do that on initial visit.

Glad the weather is cooling off some. I’m not gonna get any barre workouts test of week my appointments are all in the am. Brandon has football every night and she has chucky cheese fundraiser on Friday night.

My body is tight and I just feel overly anxious. I want to get a facial soon. But also want to get stuff for Brandon’s birthday since it’s coming up. I need to figure out what I’m making for dinner tonight.

I want to work on Savannah’s name with her tonight again and her reading. I want to get some of my book read tonight too.

Making chicken Alfredo tonight it’s almost ready now. We dropped Brandon at football practice. Have my bed made just waiting for duvet to finish making my bed.

I will bath Savannah after dinner and get her in her pjs so her hair and read books with her before picking Brandon up.

I’m not feeling as anxious right now which is good. I feel more relaxed. My cramps are still terrible though.

We called my husband but he must have still been in his seminar or busy we weren’t able to reach him. I still need to get groceries tomorrow.

I need to make my goals lists and make action plan to achieve each goal. I need to get all the rest of laundry done tomorrow. I want to make some banana bread as well and some hard boiled eggs for us to snack on.

I got Brandon a couple of shirts today since his grades are great! He was happy and I was happy getting him those tops instead of getting something for me. I’ve always got more pleasure doing something nice for others than for myself.

I am going to save money for awhile to see if I can get a pair of earrings I can wear everyday since I don’t have a nice pair after robbery. Or a nice handbag.

Savannah is happy Daddy called us back and she got to talk to him. Sounded like his seminar went good today. I’m hungry tonight looking forward to eating our delicious dinner.

Hope everyone has had a nice day!

September Roundup

Sorry it’s been awhile since my last post. I’ve had a lot of stress and anxiety lately. I have felt so empty I fill up everyone around me with love and support and just haven’t felt it back. Not counting my children but it’s not up to them to make me feel supported and loved and good about myself.

I am turning 40 Sunday and it’s just going to be like any other passing day. It does make me feel sad. But I have a couple of friends whom have been so good to me and showed me I’m cared about.

I finally got a papsmere I hadn’t had one since I was pregnant with my daughter so it was over due. My hormones have been wacky lately which also doesn’t help.

I was hoping while my husband was in town he’d fix a few things around the house that need it. That he’s plan something special for my big birthday. That he’d help with getting kids to school to show me he knows how much effort I put in being the only parent here for weeks at a time and also want to spend that time with the kids.

Lots of business right now with football each week three practices a week two hours long and a game each Saturday. Brandon in tutoring after school on Monday’s.

Brandon’s GPA is A honor roll right now and I’m hoping to keep it that way or get him to gold leaf by report card.

My uncle is not doing well which makes me sad. He’s far away I can’t just go see him give him a hug and show him in person that I think he’s the best and cherish having him in my life.

Having him in my life has made my life better I will always treasure our big bags of books reading together. Listening to all his stories from real life travels. I’m hoping he knows how much he is loved!

My Birthday was not something I was looking forward to at all I knew even though 40 is a huge year to celebrate we weren’t going to travel or do a big party or dinner. Made me feel a little hurt.

My whole life my big birthdays have just come and gone with no celebration. 13, 16, 18,21,30 and now 40. Makes me depressed and feel a little less than important.

But it’s why I do all I can to make my kids Birthdays special. I was alone on almost every Birthday above my parents like to go on trips during my Birthday week and on the first three and my 21st I was at flight attendant training.

My 30th I did get to go to dinner and have a nice night with my son who was just a little guy then. But I do remember the great bashes I went to for others Birthday’s.

My son wrote the sweetest Instagram story post for me for my 40th. I also heard from lots of people my niece Trista my nephew Garret that meant a lot appreciated their sweet messages to me.

My wonderful friend Sheri and my bestie Sara truly went out of their way to make me feel special and I so appreciate it. I got time with my kids and husband which I’m always happy for.

My husband has been extremely stressed with work things that he knows are hurting his business and family relationships are not easy for him to face and deal with. I’m afraid it’s taking a serious toll on his health his happiness or lack their of and our family the kids and I never see him anymore.

When we do he’s so stressed he’s not in a good place to be truly in the moment with us. Things with us are not in a good place I feel like communication sucks and we have no intimacy we really need to work on us and reconnecting but we never get any fine just us we haven’t in quite awhile. The most we get is a movie out or dinner and movie during the week he’s home.

I need a lot more to fill my love tank especially when I feel mine is always running on fumes. It takes a lot when your the one parent at home 24/7 for weeks at a time filling up our kids tanks making sure they are great.

Listening and giving my parents love and attention everything they need. Making sure kids and I call my husband and reach him 1-2 times a day to FaceTime or talk while he’s away.

Some days I go and go and don’t even have energy field a bath for myself. I’ve felt so alone and depressed and seriously I’ve done the single parent thing before so that’s not what I wanted this marriage to feel like.

But right now and pretty much the whole time we’ve lived at this house my husbands away more than he’s home.

He’s working hard and we appreciate that. But kids are growing up and he’s missing it. If he doesn’t do what needs to be done to ease his stress and allow him more time with us to actually live with us the kids will be grown and not no what it’s like to live as a family of four. Our daughter calls our other house Daddy’s house and this one ours and is sad knowing he leaves to June Lake for work.

Brandon will be a senior in five years and that’s crazy. I moved Brandon and I up to June Lake before we got married and it was my husbands decision for us to move back to the desert when I was pregnant and his dad was going through cancer. He always says he wants to be here and not there. Yet each year he spends more time there and not with us.

Essentially the majority of our marriage my husbands been back and fourth between here and June Lake. My husband used to do work for the city of palm desert and loved it and was great at it. He also used to coach swimming and loved it. That being said he used to cycle and swim everyday and now I seriously can’t remember last time he went to swim laps or cycled. We bought a peloton so he could cycle at home when weather was bad for riding outside and he’s not used it.

I love it but it makes me sad that all my husbands passion is gone none for his hobbies for me for work it makes me sad. Life’s too short and I hope he makes choices that give him his passion back his happiness his health.

To stay with things are for him in June Lake he is not happy not fulfilled and constantly dealing with bs that he shouldn’t have to. He does like real estate which is something new for him. But of course he’s doing that there not here where he could do great and be home with his family.

I just know losing $20k + a month from lost rental revenue is not helping his stress and we can’t afford it especially when there are two great locations for his sister to be at that wouldn’t put financial strain on their business and mainly my husband. A beautiful lake house and a completely remodeled apartment that cost as much as we spent remodeling our house.

I think if my husband and his sister parted ways in business completely decided whom gets what. They would have a much better relationship as well as it would be easier for our family as a whole to have a family relationship again.

I hope she can see this arrangement is causing stress and health issues to my husband and it’s not making them closer. He is literally frustrated everyday. I think he truly feels trapped.

I hate that he tells me he never gets sleep when he’s up there. I have literally had horrible anxiety stress and panic attics over this whole situation. Because I see my husband drowning and he won’t grab the life line.

Me his other family and friends can’t make him do what he needs to ease his stress we give our advice and it’s up to him to make the choice and he has to live with his choice. Right now it’s like watching someone you love stuck in quicksand.

Just as your helping them they have another pulling them down deeper. It’s also hard because we want our family u fed one roof the kids are doing great st their schools and socially love having their grandparents here.

Hopefully they will at least have us do one to two family trips each year from now on because that’s really all the time they are gonna get with us to make special memories as a complete family.

They talk about our Hawaii trip everyday and I hope we take them back and go on many more adventures with them

I am frustrated because you’d think if the choice were for working nearly 7 hours drive a way from us it would be because financially it was good But we don’t own our home. I worry about basic expenses groceries, dry cleaning kids school pictures I literally have anxiety every week about it.

My husband is working non stop but like I said it’s like he’s removing water from a boat that keeps getting new holes in it. We want him home with us. My fear is by the time he makes us and being with us a priority the kids will be grown and our connection will be sparse or gone.

I want our kids to have him home with us. I want to have him home with us I want to see him happy swimming, cycling meeting friends out each week. Taking a romantic weekend or week getaway together. Golfing together just laughing together.

I constantly have people asking how do I deal with him being away so much. It’s sucks and it’s a lot of work doe me to be 24/7 with just me abs kids for so long. But I have the kids I don’t miss any of that I’m so blessed. I do miss out on taking them to do stuff is like to because money is extremely tight. I definitely don’t have any social life our kids are my life.

I want a balance. I want all of us under the same roof I want us to own our home. I want to feel the love and passion in my marriage again. I want our kids to look back and remember having both their parents with them in all their memories and I want them to see two people in love when they see their parents.

Another sleepless night time to get up now. My back and body aches and my cramps are killing me. I am hopeful that’s all I can be right now. Have a great day everyone! πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜˜πŸ€—πŸ™πŸ‘