June 29, 2020

So happy my kids got to enjoy a little back to normal today. My daughter went to her summer camp. She did wear a mask 😷 upon arrival and for some of her day but she had so much fun being there and meeting new kids having kids around her was so great ! My son got to go get his spirit pack and we paid for camp and gear for his football 🏈 which will hopefully be starting workouts July 6. I was able to get more done today whole my little one was at camp. Had a great day until overbearing demanding bullying family member brought toxicity to my day and was callus and only concerned with themselves. It’s hard my whole 40 years I’ve been a people pleaser and it is like being a masochist and I don’t recommend it to anyone. I love seeing people happy and making people happy but some people no matter how much you do will ever appreciate it. It will never be enough. I grew up having to be the good child as my brother was the wild rebellious child and my parents also fought so much and it was rough. Dealing with that alcoholism and my mom always locking herself in her room. Yet they always wanted people to have a different perception so I was very isolated no friends allowed over always told to hide things pretend all is well. Never asked how I was doing if I needed anything by the time I was my sons age I’d be left alone for days or a week to fend for myself. Even after graduating and moving out trying to please keep everyone happy seek love from parents who only gave conditional love was exhausting and it’s brought be so much pain and heartache. To never feel fully unconditionally loved by your parents is pretty tough. I also feel pretty weak considering how bad I’ve tried and foolishly haven’t learned in 40 years that my relationship with them will always be toxic and they will never love unconditionally. I am lucky I’ve had other adult figures that I felt I could go to and felt unconditionally loved most of them I didn’t get to have the rime with until I was over 18 as I was sheltered didn’t get to talk to or see grandparents or aunt and uncle everyday not even every week or month usually just big holidays. My grandparents were truly special and I loved all of them so much. My aunt that lived close to me from my twenties until this year passed away in January and she was great too we had a very good relationship I could talk to her about anything we had a great bond I enjoyed hearing about all her life adventures as well. She also supported me and saw how much pressure I felt and how stressed I was when my parents hovered or injected themselves too much.It was even her idea when I was about to be 21 to go apply to be a flight attendant so I could get some distance from them and I did and I moved out of state. I did get calls at minimum everyday from my dad telling me how my weather sucked and his was great . I was free though even more so then when I would move two hours away to have a life of my own. I was always told that only thing that was good enough was to do what they wanted and when I did and worked for them I barely scraped by. I remember when my son was less than a year old and they were having a hard time paying me they had a friend of ours in mortgage put out feelers for interest from others for a personal assistant so I could also have medical coverage I’d been licensed in real estate at that point for ten years so had good experience. When I got a great offer paying nearly three times what I made per month with medical and a flexible schedule and I was ready to accept. I was told by my father that I’d be disowned if I accepted the job. I foolishly went the loyal route and turned it down. Which insured no one would want to take that risk again since my family owned a company and less than six months later when my father was not getting his way with something outside of work he fired me with no notice no severance nothing and there I was single mother who threw away a wonderful paying salary job with benefits for someone who treated me like a disposable non important person in their life or work. There are too many other instances like this where I wonder if I should have just cut ties. But I have always wanted my then son and now both my children to have as much family in their lives as possible. But having people that are very conditional in live very one sided and whom also are controlling by nature is so hard. Everyone has had things to work through with family members and parents are not perfect. I know I am not either. It doesn’t matter how much I love them if they don’t give love in return. If they don’t respect boundaries and especially do not respect our family and our life. I will definitely have to soul search on how much space I need but right now I feel as things stand only major family holidays and kids birthdays because I’ve set boundaries asked for respect, love appreciation and have never or rarely got it. My husband and I go out of our ways to be accessible and have the kids call and when it turns into even a call once a day is not enough multiple while we have so much going on as well as not calling before dropping by just coming in house using our code setting our alarm off it’s so frustrating. My day was great! Even though my night was toxic and hard. One thing I’ve learned is to look for the good in each moment and each day. I have a lot to be thankful for. Even with all the stress I also try not to cut parents out because even if I have scars that feel like fresh wounds from a rough child hood and adult hood With them. I have always been able to find the good memories the good times the moments that made me able to put up with so much and be hopefully that things could improve. I wish I had had a family that cared about my school and activities and encouraged me to work hard and encouraged me to take SATS and go to college but it was opposite they only wanted me to do what they did. I am so proud of my sons grades I push him to do his best so he will have so many choices and that he gets to do what he wants. I am even thrilled for him when he looks for colleges some on other side of country I want him to above all be happy and be true to himself and know I love him and support him in all he does. My youngest is very independent which I love it does make parenting challenging sometimes. But it’s truly one of the traits I live most about her. I always encourage them to call and spend time with family my parents love them and the kids enjoy the time they get. My daughter had a blast with her Aunt while up in June Lake and I am so happy they have a special bond. My nephews and niece have been so good when they are around the kids as well there is a big age difference since my kiddos are 13 and 4 and my oldest nephew is 26, then 18, my niece 17. When I was 17 and again when I was pregnant at 27 I sought out therapy both times cut short. When I was pregnant I had asked my parents as I was very anxious but second therapist brought up my childhood and my parents my dad pulled me out and refused to pay. So sad I couldn’t afford it myself so I never was able to go back. At 40 I wish I have had that luxury I envy those who are able to get to therapy and work out issues. On a brighter note my sweet girl is almost Five and it’s my goal to make her Birthday a special one. I know we won’t have a birthday party this year or Disney at least o. Her actual birthday. But if we can get away just the four of us for her birthday for a couple of days In Our RV has think she will love that. My son is growing up so fast and he is such a gentlemen I am truly so blessed to have such an amazing son. I truly have been blessed with the most wonderful children. Challenging at times oh yes but they are my greatest gifts from God and being their mother is the best job in the world. I do wish my grandparents had got to meet my daughter. They would have adored her. I am so happy my son got time with my grandparents before they passed away.i hope everyone is having a great Monday and that June was a good month for you ! 😊😂👍🏻🏈🌵😘😷

June 24, 2020

Enjoyed a couple of weeks in June Lake. Now we are back and the kiddos are getting ready for camp and football. We had a zoom call Monday for my sons football and we go to turn in all our paperwork and pay for camp and spirit pack on Monday. My little one starts camp on a Monday which will be so nice for her to be around other kids again. She went and tried on some uniforms this week so we know what size to order her for school. We had a nice pool & bbq evening with my parents at our house last night kids really enjoyed. My weight has increased so much in last two years and I know a lot of it is my hormone changes which I am trying to get under control. Frustrating since I do workout a good amount and eat fairly healthy. We are gearing up for Savannah’s 5th Birthday we won’t be having a Birthday party which is a bummer or getting to do our normal Disney trip. But I will do my best to get her some nice gifts and make or buy her a nice cake. Things are definitely starting to open back up around here which is nice. I got to see my bestie yesterday which was so nice. Have my coaching live today so I am making sure to go back over my course sections to see if I have any questions. Been waking up nice and early since we got back in town and sleeping good. I have not been on my peloton yet since we got back but been doing the app workouts for core and meditation. Savannah had a great dentist checkup yesterday looking good and no cavities. I’ve been slacking on my reading the last two weeks. I need to get back to reading 2-3 books a week. Can’t believe how fast time is flying by. Will need to get kids school clothes and shoes and backpacks very soon. My sons phone is not charging or turning on so this is frustrating we will most likely have to take it in to get replacement. I want to try out noom for getting my weight down. I also want to start meal prepping and planning our meals more. We went out to eat a lot while out of town. I still can’t believe my niece just turned 17 and my nephew is heading to college in August. So proud of them they are such great kids. Excited for my kiddos starting kinder and high school this fall. Hope everyone is having a good summer! Hope that things are getting back to normal for everyone! 😊🤗😷😍🙏🏡🌈

June 6, 2020

Now that kids have had their drive through graduations 🎓 distance learning has ended. We have been seeing things open up which is so nice. Still wearing masks and have been on an evening curfew since riots and protests started this past week. For our children’s graduations we celebrated just the four of us took them out to Kobe Japanese steakhouse. That is a favorite of the kids and our whole family. We wore our masks until we got served drinks and food. We were happy to get out to celebrate our youngest becoming a kindergartner and our oldest becoming a high school freshman. We were also finally able to get haircuts which felt so good. My husband and I went out a few times before he left town for work. My kids are looking forward to being around people again. They have each had sone friend time last two weeks my daughter had some pool time with one of her best friends Jack. My son had two nice days with his best buddy Titan. Football should be starting up end of this month and my son is so excited misses sports so much. My daughter is all signed up for her summer camp which also should be starting the end of June. I have been deep cleaning and organizing our home. Finally got some drawer organizers for my kitchen drawers. Took everything out of cabinets and drawers cleaned everything and then put back. We have had some windy weather so haven’t been in pool I. A little bit. I’ve been reading a lot during this time at home. My son made us proud yet again with his A honors and we made sure he knew we were extremely proud of his hard work making honors at every grade period the last three years working so hard. I’ve been so great full that my daughters teacher from last year has been sending her wonderful videos of her reading books for Savannah every week. Her teachers from this year made a great graduation video of the children which was so precious. Brandon’s school put on a great drive through graduation for our 8th graders. I am keeping up with workouts this month in May I took about two weeks off which at my age is way too long. I hope everyone is doing well and hanging in there with life as 2020 has definitely been a crazy ride so far. 🎓🤗🖤👨‍🎓🌺💗🏡🙏

May 16, 2020

Can’t believe we’ve already done nine weeks in quarantine and heading into week ten. Kids have done great even though I know they are so over not seeing friends and family.

They miss their friends, sports and activities and school. My son has been working hard at home distance learning. I’ve been keeping busy with my youngest doing learning as well as a lot of playtime.

Thankfully it’s been pool weather and we’ve been able to enjoy that together. I’ve lost my zest I was avidly working out at home now I’m just not as motivated. I miss going out and having coffee and lunch with friends.

I miss having a real date night out with my hubby. We’ve now celebrated our anniversary and Mother’s Day in quarantine done zoom and drive by birthday celebrations for friends and family.

I was happy I did Rise Live online conference and that I’ve had so many great books and audible books to read. Been doing just drive up for groceries and occasionally target drive up. But went inside with my husband today I don’t like going in to shop right now.

We ordered take out last night from one of our favorite local restaurants and that was good but miss having our meals there. I am hoping we get to open our motel up for business again soon as this is killing us financially to be closed. We know so many other business owners that are also doing what they can to stay in business during this quarantine.

My biggest hope is that my son will still get to play football as planned he’s been looking forward to high school football for as long as I can remember. I also want my daughter to get back to activities and be able to attend summer camp. But who knows I also want her to have a good 5th Birthday and hoping it’s not in quarantine.

We will re schedule our disney cruise that was meant for this past spring break. But I just want things to get back to normal for everyone. Like I’m sure most people. My family and I could desperately use a trip to get our haircut and my cuticles are out of control and need trimming too.

Hope I haven’t been venting too much. Hope everyone is staying safe and doing as well as can be expected when in quarantine. Hugs and love to all🤗🏡🌻🌷

April 27, 2020

Here we go now week 7 in quarantine. It’s hard to imagine what it will feel like in our world once outside life starts to open up again. We have been in this isolated new state for nearly two months now.

I know that being at home concentrating on the kids and our family more than ever before not being able to do anything outside of our house means we have been getting creative.

I’ve been looking in during this time more than ever. It’s good but as most people know looking in and looking at your life can also make you very overwhelmed very sad.

Like so many others this has meant spending our anniversary in quarantine. We also were spending Easter at home in quarantine instead of being on the Disney cruise we booked which would have been so amazing and our kids first cruise ever.

My son is graduating 8th grade but there won’t be a ceremony. Passion Play did not happen as we are in quarantine. His 8th grade dance won’t happen that was supposed to be this coming Friday there class trip to Disneyland as well as so much more.

My sons GPA was the highest it’s ever been and when we got his report card I was thrilled and proud. We haven’t been able to give him the grade money he worked his butt off for and that’s making me so sad especially knowing his grades are amazing again and when we get his final junior high report card which will end up being A honors I don’t know when we will be able to give him grade money for this as well as his last one.

I know he is patient I just want hard work rewarded. I have a lot of rules for him and he has a lot of chores which his friends don’t seem to have any. Also majority of kids he knows get allowance even without doing chores. So the fact that I don’t give him an allowance for chores not the basic ones but the larger ones is all because of financials. With him being an honor student he should be getting allowance money and grade reward money and I am hopeful that once this quarantine is over we can get that all handled.

The goal this week is to get my license renewal classes done once I get signed up. I’m looking forward to attending the live rise online I got the basic ticket. My little one loves playing with her brother and he always helps with her which is great but awhile back she broke his headset that he uses while gaming and it’s not working at all now for him.

Savannah has made me so proud while we have been home doing this quarantine she has been working on sight words and reading and she’s doing so great. She still does her Monday chapel from home each week. She has a great teacher who was actually her teacher last year not this year that sends us videos of her reading new books to Savannah each week sometime multiple.

Savannah has been dying to go in our pool and now we’re finally in triple digit weather so the pool should be warming up enough to go in. Savannah has been helping around the house little chores tidying up her stuff more. I’m so proud of her. She’s been so cute doing FaceTime chats with her friends while we are social distancing.

Mothers Day is coming up and it will be the first year I’m not getting a beautiful handmade gift from my children as school is not in session. I’m hoping that we are not in quarantine during Savannah’s Birthday.

I’ve got my son set up with a virtual meeting with his high school counselor to get his freshman schedule figured out. He’s growing up so quickly. So is my little one I am trying to savor every moment with them. I am so sad when we have time apart now as I know that time is slipping away.

I turn 41 this year and I more than ever want to push for my dreams and for growth. I do still want to put my children and family first especially for us to have quality family time all of us together trips and adventures and game nights and lots of fun activities to watch Savannah try and get better at each class. So excited to watch my son play high school football and basketball the next four years.

I haven’t asked how I’m doing what I need what I want in so long. I enjoyed Rise Toronto so much but it definitely brought out another of emotions. It was not easy it was hard to dive in face a lot of self esteem issues and fear based issues. It was also so uplifting and I need more of that in my life.

I wish more than anything that I could afford to go to therapy. I know that until I can work through theses issues and feel whole on my own feel high self esteem and love for myself again. Until then I cannot work on relationships outside myself. I am in the pre menopause stages have been for quite awhile my hormones have reeked havoc on my body and emotions. When you don’t feel beautiful and comfortable in your own skin. It’s pretty impossible to want to be intimate plus my sex drive has complete gone. I’m hoping it will come back to normal once my hormones get under control.

I am so used to doing for others making others comfortable catering to them helping them as they reach for their dreams. It’s time for me to reach for mine and have those I care most about help me and cheer me on as I work towards these dreams.

I don’t want to live my life half dead and I know living while suppressing my dreams and being scared to go for it or just casting them aside to make others feel more comfortable I am not living. When you give up your dream you die.

I feel in some ways the woman I once was is lost. I am trying to dig deep and get her back but a stronger version. I feel like I am wild animal who was caged and tamed and my wings were clipped and have lost my spirit and dreams. So many people allow others or even themselves clip their wings cage them to tame their wild. What’s sad is when this person has so much fear that even when they see everything they are meant for they stay in the cage even when it’s not locked.

I have been organizing our home and deep cleaning every area. I’ve been reading as much as possible. I know that I want to be around more people that are achievers, hustlers, dreamers, who are constantly learning and growing. I need to be around positive people. Negative people suck the life out of you and I cannot have them around me especially now while I am working on myself to be more positive more productive and have belief in myself and my dreams. I have been careful of what I’m taking in on social media as well I don’t want anything that will bring me down I just want positivity.

This year has already taken loved ones away I’ve lost two aunts but I know they are my guardian angels now watching over us all now. I don’t want to keep myself small anymore. I don’t want to to settle. Not in any aspect of my life it’s time for me to start fully living again 40 is way too young to give up and throw in the towel. So I am going to get up and fight to become whole to strive for my dreams and for all my relationships to be the best they can be.

I hope everyone has been doing good during this quarantine life. I appreciate you more than you will ever know. Thank you for taking the moment to read my thoughts. 🤗🙏🏡

Easter April 12, 2020

Well today was different having Easter in Quarantine. We were able to at least pick up some breakfast treats at Drive thru we got Starbucks drinks and Krispy Kreme donuts.

The kids still got Easter Baskets this year and Savannah got to hunt for Easter Eggs that we decorated yesterday.

We enjoyed some time outdoors as the weather was nice and thankfully we have a nice backyard set up. Still way too cold for swimming so my little one was disappointed.

We watched Trolls World Tour again since it’s just a rental wanted to get our moneys worth. We watched our Easter Mass on UTUbE this morning which was different but we are getting used to watching it like this. Tomorrow will be week five in Quarantine.

Heaven gained a new angel this morning. My Wonderful Aunt Sheila passed and will be terribly missed by me all her siblings including my Dad. My life was definitely better for having her in it and I have the best memories of trips to see her from my childhood as a young adult.

I hope everyone enjoyed Today I know some are in quarantine alone and others with family. I also deeply appreciate those essential workers who are working extra hard for everyone right now. I know I get bored and am sick of quarantine but I am also deeply lucky to be at home with my kids and be healthy. I am so tired 😴 goodnight 💤

Quarantine Life April 10

So here we are four weeks of quarantine so far. Life has definitely changed. Kids have been distance learning my sons school has kept him super busy with work everyday. My daughters school isn’t doing anything but she’s four and at least gets church videos once a week and her old teacher from last year is sending her videos each week reading her books Which is so sweet.

I’ve been working on her reading and learning each day and trying to make sure she still has plenty of fun. She definitely misses her friends and school. She’s been FaceTiming with friends and sending each other videos.

My son is keeping in touch with his friends and definitely misses them too. I’m bummed that the 8th graders did not get to put on the Passion Play they worked so hard on. I’m bummed they are missing out on all the fun graduation things last dance and Disneyland trip.

But I know it’s not as bad as my nephew and all other kids who are missing high school graduation and prom this year. They are all handling it so well though.

We are now wearing the face masks when we are outside in public which isn’t very often. I only do drive up for groceries when needed and we occasionally go through the Starbucks drive thru to get a treat and get out of house.

We’ve had a lot of rain this week. We had all the storms and earthquakes and it’s all been a lot. We’ve kept our spirits up and concentrated on the good what we are so grateful for. Today and this weekend being at home instead of at church and instead of family gatherings is so different. We actually were supposed to fly out this morning and take our kids on their first ever cruise a Disney cruise we were planning and excited for.

So we felt bummed today but we have each other and food and a roof over our head and our health so we are blessed. I will have the trip to look forward to when we get back to our new normal .

I hope that everyone is staying home and doing what they can to stay safe and comply and just find the joy during this time even when it’s hard. I am so grateful to all the essential workers out there.

Sorry I have not been on here in so long it’s just been an adjustment for me with all this and I wanted to be a good head space when I wrote. Hang in there and definitely keep thriving and growing and finding joy each day. Goodnight 😴🌙😘

March 21, 2020

Well my day to day life has changed now that we our quarantined and kids are doing school from home. My son has been so busy with school work all week doing more than while school was in session. I’m glad he’s enjoying his free time this weekend!

It’s hard to tell the difference between weekdays and weekends because we only get to be at home and we are getting bored. Today I was starting to feel down being stuck inside. But Hallmark movies have changed my mood. My son and one of his best friends have been FaceTiming daIly and working on a rap about their quarantine time.

My daughter is going a little stir crazy but I’m getting her outside for walks and playtime as much as possible. She is definitely trying to stay up later and yet she’s still up bright and early.

I’m doing my best to keep on a schedule even though we are at home. I’ve been thankful for my peloton. I’m able to keep working out and the app has great yoga and meditations that I enjoy doing as well.

Toronto Rise

All packed for Toronto Rise
Last school drop off before I catch my flight to Toronto ✈️
Had my Tea did my STJ and recorded a story book so my daughter could still have me with her during her bedtime routine while I’m gone.
Toronto here I come
Made it to my hotel Fairmont Royal York had a late dinner around 9:50pm
CN Tower as I’m on my way to Niagara Falls for the first time ever 🙌
My visit to Niagara Falls
Visited winery on way back from Niagara Falls tried Ice wine for the 1st time
Night before Rise conference Ice Skating at Nathan Phillips Square with some friends I met at early check in
Necessities from my VIP Swag bag other goodies not in photo.
These are from my first day at Rise let me tell you though when I went to bed the night before I was super anxious a ball of nerves met some nice gals had dinner with three of them but felt awful when I went to my hotel I was tired the meal was not great the conversation was but I felt like I wasn’t at the same place these women were and it was making me feel awful. So I only got about 2 hours of sleep and when I went downstairs to have breakfast at Reign which is a great restaurant I had a breakdown a panic attack and thought I wouldn’t make it to the event. But I pulled myself together and I went and I am so glad I did I had a great day! We had a great warm up thanks Chris Chandler. Rachel Hollis spoke to us in the morning and the afternoon. Jen Hatmaker was awesome if you haven’t heard of her look her up her books are amazing. We did Stand up for your Sister which was so powerful and something I won’t
ever ever forget. Brit Barron also known as “Beams” also talked to us and was so great love her. After Day 1 we had the VIP cocktail party at The Arcadian Loft. It was such a great event enjoyed the ladies as well and the food and having a glass of wine at the end of a long day. I was fortunate enough to meet and get photos with Chris Chandler and Dave Hollis. Who are both such positive and genuine and a pleasure to meet. I was bummed that I missed the chance to Meet Trent Shelton and get a photo with him. I was pretty tired headed back to my hotel had a snack at Pipers Pub before bed and went to bed to get some rest.
Day 2 of Rise included Rachel Hollis, Amy Porterfeild and Trent Shelton. I was able to connect with Shannon Hale. I got my goal getter pin and did a coaching testimonial. Was able to talk to Dave Hollis again and grab another photo. I really enjoyed all the speakers and Chris Chandler and Brad & the Divas really made our day extra fun and positive. It was a very long day Rachel Hollis really gives you her all and we had extra with her I think over and hour and a half. So for us VIP holders made our day long as we all wanted our tile after day 2 to meet and get photo with Rachel. She was well worth the wait. She is a true positive radiant light and she is genuine. It was my pleasure to meet her and see how down to earth she is.
Afterwards I got an Uber and headed to Benihana to enjoy a dinner met some great people at my table who were very fun and chatty. I was exhausted so went up stairs took a bath and made sure to get some good sleep.
Met Rachel Hollis what a sweetheart

Day 3 of Rise I think we were all getting tired but also still ready for all the fire 🔥 we knew was coming our way. I mean we had an amazing warm up we got to hear from Dave Hollis. We got information on the future of the Hollis company. We had Stacy Flowers speak to us and I am so bummed out I did not get to personally meet this woman because her talk was absolutely amazing. I was thrilled to hear Mally Roncal speak and lucky enough to meet her afterwards and she stayed for over an hour talking to everyone that wanted to meet her taking photos and hugging everyone. We had a full day and it was an amazing send off. Rachel also made sure that we had an awesome finale so we had a mini concert just for us before we were all done. I was so blessed to go to this event and meet all the wonderful people I met. Hear from the amazing speakers. After Day 3 I went back to my hotel to unwind take a bath order in a delicious salad and some rosemary lemon fries from room service while getting ready for our roaring 20’s party. The party was great met some other great women especially Sara we hung out most of the evening and after that I was so exhausted I knew I’d be up at 5am to catch my flight and needed some sleep.

Mally Roncal ❤️ her
Blessed to have this amazing crew of people making out Rise Event the best ever!

Roaring 20’s Party at The Arcadian
Bye Toronto Palm Desert here I come

Can you tell from the above morning flight photo. How sleep deprived I was omg when I got home I missed my kids so much I just kept going hugged them squeezed them took them to lunch and to the mall to get my son some clothes and Savannah two dresses and some books to read together. I was. Zombie though even Monday I felt only half alive I was trying to get my energy back. But I have taken so much away from my Rise weekend and I look forward to going to another Rise.

Before bed looked though my Rise Books also completed my journal for day and went over what I wrote in my STJ earlier that day

March 01st 2020

Well today is March 1st I’ve enjoyed our busy week. We enjoyed all kinds of fun activities with the kids and went to Savannah’s school gala last night.

We watched movies had great meals out as a family. I got everything done errand wise that I could before my trip. I’m excited but nervous. Don’t want to forget anything. Want to make sure I have everything in order. Want to enjoy going solo and be able to connect to lots of awesome women at the conference.

Tomorrow is my last day and night at home last day to prepare for my trip. I need a good nights 💤 😴 💤 sleep 😴. Hope everyone had a fagrastic February and weekend cheers to March 🙌