We have had a decent month Savannah enjoyed going to camp each week she had her last day of camp today. We had hoped she would be going to school that was the plan even as of a week ago. But now we found out the Kindergarten and pre school will be doing distance learning as well. I don’t know how this is going to work for these very young children. I’m praying the kids get back to regular school very soon. We have enjoyed time in our pool and Brandon enjoyed almost two weeks in Coronado with his buddies family. I was so happy he got a break from the heat and had some time with his friend. Unfortunately it looks as if now that both kids will be doing distance learning for start of school year which is such a bummer especially since such big transition years Brandon is starting high school and Savannah is starting kinder. This is going to be hard to figure out my schedule as well since I am supposed to be online with my daughter whole time they have her doing distance learning. On the brighter side we have all been keeping busy and enjoying as much time together as we can. Seeing so many places shutdown and closed is not a good feeling. I want to see things open back up and our children have a real in person education again. I want all my friends who own businesses to be able to work again and not have their businesses shut down creating such hardships for them and all their employees. I am definitely meditating more doing my best to stay active and get my workouts in. I am doing my best to keep the faith have faith in God that things will be better soon🙏 I am finding that looking for things to be grateful for each morning and night give me peace. I have always been a positive person but I definitely work harder these days and make sure I find the joy in each day no matter the uncertainty. I have been reading a lot as well 📚. We miss my hubby and will definitely have to spend some time in June Lake soon so we can all be together. I hope that all of you have been able to find the joy and have some peace. 🙏😊😘🤗

We really enjoyed our weekend at Newport Dunes for Savannah’s 5th Birthday. We had fantastic weather and it was nice to have family time outdoors. She loved her unicorn cake 🎂. 😎🌺🎉🎁🇺🇸

Kids have been enjoying some pool time. Savannah has thankfully had some social tome

At camp last couple of weeks and loving it. Football is on hold no practices yet at all which is such a bummer for my son. Last nights DSUSD meeting was over four hours long and even though there was a vote . Seems like it’s still super far off from having a real plan for our students. Been getting back to my peloton workouts and enjoying them. Been five months since I’ve been at pure barre miss going and seeing my friends. My sweet girl turns five this Sunday and I am so bummed she’s not having a birthday party or getting a Disney trip as usual. Hopefully I can do something for her belated when things get back to normal. Our desert restaurants were fully open but now no indoor dining while we are in triple digit weather it’s only patio seating and takeout. Savannah’s school uniforms came in and I am thankful the private schools are set with a plan and keeping the kids safe and learning. Savannah did get a clothing box from stitch fix and loved it as an early birthday gift. I also took her yesterday to get a manicure and pedicure which she was so happy to get that done. I hope everyone is doing well! I feel like just when things were starting to re open and get back to normal things are no back tracking which is unfortunate. 😊🙏🏡🇺🇸🎂🌵

So happy my kids got to enjoy a little back to normal today. My daughter went to her summer camp. She did wear a mask 😷 upon arrival and for some of her day but she had so much fun being there and meeting new kids having kids around her was so great ! My son got to go get his spirit pack and we paid for camp and gear for his football 🏈 which will hopefully be starting workouts July 6. I was able to get more done today whole my little one was at camp. Had a great day until overbearing demanding bullying family member brought toxicity to my day and was callus and only concerned with themselves. It’s hard my whole 40 years I’ve been a people pleaser and it is like being a masochist and I don’t recommend it to anyone. I love seeing people happy and making people happy but some people no matter how much you do will ever appreciate it. It will never be enough. I grew up having to be the good child as my brother was the wild rebellious child and my parents also fought so much and it was rough. Dealing with that alcoholism and my mom always locking herself in her room. Yet they always wanted people to have a different perception so I was very isolated no friends allowed over always told to hide things pretend all is well. Never asked how I was doing if I needed anything by the time I was my sons age I’d be left alone for days or a week to fend for myself. Even after graduating and moving out trying to please keep everyone happy seek love from parents who only gave conditional love was exhausting and it’s brought be so much pain and heartache. To never feel fully unconditionally loved by your parents is pretty tough. I also feel pretty weak considering how bad I’ve tried and foolishly haven’t learned in 40 years that my relationship with them will always be toxic and they will never love unconditionally. I am lucky I’ve had other adult figures that I felt I could go to and felt unconditionally loved most of them I didn’t get to have the rime with until I was over 18 as I was sheltered didn’t get to talk to or see grandparents or aunt and uncle everyday not even every week or month usually just big holidays. My grandparents were truly special and I loved all of them so much. My aunt that lived close to me from my twenties until this year passed away in January and she was great too we had a very good relationship I could talk to her about anything we had a great bond I enjoyed hearing about all her life adventures as well. She also supported me and saw how much pressure I felt and how stressed I was when my parents hovered or injected themselves too much.It was even her idea when I was about to be 21 to go apply to be a flight attendant so I could get some distance from them and I did and I moved out of state. I did get calls at minimum everyday from my dad telling me how my weather sucked and his was great . I was free though even more so then when I would move two hours away to have a life of my own. I was always told that only thing that was good enough was to do what they wanted and when I did and worked for them I barely scraped by. I remember when my son was less than a year old and they were having a hard time paying me they had a friend of ours in mortgage put out feelers for interest from others for a personal assistant so I could also have medical coverage I’d been licensed in real estate at that point for ten years so had good experience. When I got a great offer paying nearly three times what I made per month with medical and a flexible schedule and I was ready to accept. I was told by my father that I’d be disowned if I accepted the job. I foolishly went the loyal route and turned it down. Which insured no one would want to take that risk again since my family owned a company and less than six months later when my father was not getting his way with something outside of work he fired me with no notice no severance nothing and there I was single mother who threw away a wonderful paying salary job with benefits for someone who treated me like a disposable non important person in their life or work. There are too many other instances like this where I wonder if I should have just cut ties. But I have always wanted my then son and now both my children to have as much family in their lives as possible. But having people that are very conditional in live very one sided and whom also are controlling by nature is so hard. Everyone has had things to work through with family members and parents are not perfect. I know I am not either. It doesn’t matter how much I love them if they don’t give love in return. If they don’t respect boundaries and especially do not respect our family and our life. I will definitely have to soul search on how much space I need but right now I feel as things stand only major family holidays and kids birthdays because I’ve set boundaries asked for respect, love appreciation and have never or rarely got it. My husband and I go out of our ways to be accessible and have the kids call and when it turns into even a call once a day is not enough multiple while we have so much going on as well as not calling before dropping by just coming in house using our code setting our alarm off it’s so frustrating. My day was great! Even though my night was toxic and hard. One thing I’ve learned is to look for the good in each moment and each day. I have a lot to be thankful for. Even with all the stress I also try not to cut parents out because even if I have scars that feel like fresh wounds from a rough child hood and adult hood With them. I have always been able to find the good memories the good times the moments that made me able to put up with so much and be hopefully that things could improve. I wish I had had a family that cared about my school and activities and encouraged me to work hard and encouraged me to take SATS and go to college but it was opposite they only wanted me to do what they did. I am so proud of my sons grades I push him to do his best so he will have so many choices and that he gets to do what he wants. I am even thrilled for him when he looks for colleges some on other side of country I want him to above all be happy and be true to himself and know I love him and support him in all he does. My youngest is very independent which I love it does make parenting challenging sometimes. But it’s truly one of the traits I live most about her. I always encourage them to call and spend time with family my parents love them and the kids enjoy the time they get. My daughter had a blast with her Aunt while up in June Lake and I am so happy they have a special bond. My nephews and niece have been so good when they are around the kids as well there is a big age difference since my kiddos are 13 and 4 and my oldest nephew is 26, then 18, my niece 17. When I was 17 and again when I was pregnant at 27 I sought out therapy both times cut short. When I was pregnant I had asked my parents as I was very anxious but second therapist brought up my childhood and my parents my dad pulled me out and refused to pay. So sad I couldn’t afford it myself so I never was able to go back. At 40 I wish I have had that luxury I envy those who are able to get to therapy and work out issues. On a brighter note my sweet girl is almost Five and it’s my goal to make her Birthday a special one. I know we won’t have a birthday party this year or Disney at least o. Her actual birthday. But if we can get away just the four of us for her birthday for a couple of days In Our RV has think she will love that. My son is growing up so fast and he is such a gentlemen I am truly so blessed to have such an amazing son. I truly have been blessed with the most wonderful children. Challenging at times oh yes but they are my greatest gifts from God and being their mother is the best job in the world. I do wish my grandparents had got to meet my daughter. They would have adored her. I am so happy my son got time with my grandparents before they passed away.i hope everyone is having a great Monday and that June was a good month for you ! 😊😂👍🏻🏈🌵😘😷

Now that kids have had their drive through graduations 🎓 distance learning has ended. We have been seeing things open up which is so nice. Still wearing masks and have been on an evening curfew since riots and protests started this past week. For our children’s graduations we celebrated just the four of us took them out to Kobe Japanese steakhouse. That is a favorite of the kids and our whole family. We wore our masks until we got served drinks and food. We were happy to get out to celebrate our youngest becoming a kindergartner and our oldest becoming a high school freshman. We were also finally able to get haircuts which felt so good. My husband and I went out a few times before he left town for work. My kids are looking forward to being around people again. They have each had sone friend time last two weeks my daughter had some pool time with one of her best friends Jack. My son had two nice days with his best buddy Titan. Football should be starting up end of this month and my son is so excited misses sports so much. My daughter is all signed up for her summer camp which also should be starting the end of June. I have been deep cleaning and organizing our home. Finally got some drawer organizers for my kitchen drawers. Took everything out of cabinets and drawers cleaned everything and then put back. We have had some windy weather so haven’t been in pool I. A little bit. I’ve been reading a lot during this time at home. My son made us proud yet again with his A honors and we made sure he knew we were extremely proud of his hard work making honors at every grade period the last three years working so hard. I’ve been so great full that my daughters teacher from last year has been sending her wonderful videos of her reading books for Savannah every week. Her teachers from this year made a great graduation video of the children which was so precious. Brandon’s school put on a great drive through graduation for our 8th graders. I am keeping up with workouts this month in May I took about two weeks off which at my age is way too long. I hope everyone is doing well and hanging in there with life as 2020 has definitely been a crazy ride so far. 🎓🤗🖤👨‍🎓🌺💗🏡🙏

Can’t believe we’ve already done nine weeks in quarantine and heading into week ten. Kids have done great even though I know they are so over not seeing friends and family.

They miss their friends, sports and activities and school. My son has been working hard at home distance learning. I’ve been keeping busy with my youngest doing learning as well as a lot of playtime.

Thankfully it’s been pool weather and we’ve been able to enjoy that together. I’ve lost my zest I was avidly working out at home now I’m just not as motivated. I miss going out and having coffee and lunch with friends.

I miss having a real date night out with my hubby. We’ve now celebrated our anniversary and Mother’s Day in quarantine done zoom and drive by birthday celebrations for friends and family.

I was happy I did Rise Live online conference and that I’ve had so many great books and audible books to read. Been doing just drive up for groceries and occasionally target drive up. But went inside with my husband today I don’t like going in to shop right now.

We ordered take out last night from one of our favorite local restaurants and that was good but miss having our meals there. I am hoping we get to open our motel up for business again soon as this is killing us financially to be closed. We know so many other business owners that are also doing what they can to stay in business during this quarantine.

My biggest hope is that my son will still get to play football as planned he’s been looking forward to high school football for as long as I can remember. I also want my daughter to get back to activities and be able to attend summer camp. But who knows I also want her to have a good 5th Birthday and hoping it’s not in quarantine.

We will re schedule our disney cruise that was meant for this past spring break. But I just want things to get back to normal for everyone. Like I’m sure most people. My family and I could desperately use a trip to get our haircut and my cuticles are out of control and need trimming too.

Hope I haven’t been venting too much. Hope everyone is staying safe and doing as well as can be expected when in quarantine. Hugs and love to all🤗🏡🌻🌷

Here we go now week 7 in quarantine. It’s hard to imagine what it will feel like in our world once outside life starts to open up again. We have been in this isolated new state for nearly two months now.

I know that being at home concentrating on the kids and our family more than ever before not being able to do anything outside of our house means we have been getting creative.

I’ve been looking in during this time more than ever. It’s good but as most people know looking in and looking at your life can also make you very overwhelmed very sad.

Like so many others this has meant spending our anniversary in quarantine. We also were spending Easter at home in quarantine instead of being on the Disney cruise we booked which would have been so amazing and our kids first cruise ever.

My son is graduating 8th grade but there won’t be a ceremony. Passion Play did not happen as we are in quarantine. His 8th grade dance won’t happen that was supposed to be this coming Friday there class trip to Disneyland as well as so much more.

My sons GPA was the highest it’s ever been and when we got his report card I was thrilled and proud. We haven’t been able to give him the grade money he worked his butt off for and that’s making me so sad especially knowing his grades are amazing again and when we get his final junior high report card which will end up being A honors I don’t know when we will be able to give him grade money for this as well as his last one.

I know he is patient I just want hard work rewarded. I have a lot of rules for him and he has a lot of chores which his friends don’t seem to have any. Also majority of kids he knows get allowance even without doing chores. So the fact that I don’t give him an allowance for chores not the basic ones but the larger ones is all because of financials. With him being an honor student he should be getting allowance money and grade reward money and I am hopeful that once this quarantine is over we can get that all handled.

The goal this week is to get my license renewal classes done once I get signed up. I’m looking forward to attending the live rise online I got the basic ticket. My little one loves playing with her brother and he always helps with her which is great but awhile back she broke his headset that he uses while gaming and it’s not working at all now for him.

Savannah has made me so proud while we have been home doing this quarantine she has been working on sight words and reading and she’s doing so great. She still does her Monday chapel from home each week. She has a great teacher who was actually her teacher last year not this year that sends us videos of her reading new books to Savannah each week sometime multiple.

Savannah has been dying to go in our pool and now we’re finally in triple digit weather so the pool should be warming up enough to go in. Savannah has been helping around the house little chores tidying up her stuff more. I’m so proud of her. She’s been so cute doing FaceTime chats with her friends while we are social distancing.

Mothers Day is coming up and it will be the first year I’m not getting a beautiful handmade gift from my children as school is not in session. I’m hoping that we are not in quarantine during Savannah’s Birthday.

I’ve got my son set up with a virtual meeting with his high school counselor to get his freshman schedule figured out. He’s growing up so quickly. So is my little one I am trying to savor every moment with them. I am so sad when we have time apart now as I know that time is slipping away.

I turn 41 this year and I more than ever want to push for my dreams and for growth. I do still want to put my children and family first especially for us to have quality family time all of us together trips and adventures and game nights and lots of fun activities to watch Savannah try and get better at each class. So excited to watch my son play high school football and basketball the next four years.

I haven’t asked how I’m doing what I need what I want in so long. I enjoyed Rise Toronto so much but it definitely brought out another of emotions. It was not easy it was hard to dive in face a lot of self esteem issues and fear based issues. It was also so uplifting and I need more of that in my life.

I wish more than anything that I could afford to go to therapy. I know that until I can work through theses issues and feel whole on my own feel high self esteem and love for myself again. Until then I cannot work on relationships outside myself. I am in the pre menopause stages have been for quite awhile my hormones have reeked havoc on my body and emotions. When you don’t feel beautiful and comfortable in your own skin. It’s pretty impossible to want to be intimate plus my sex drive has complete gone. I’m hoping it will come back to normal once my hormones get under control.

I am so used to doing for others making others comfortable catering to them helping them as they reach for their dreams. It’s time for me to reach for mine and have those I care most about help me and cheer me on as I work towards these dreams.

I don’t want to live my life half dead and I know living while suppressing my dreams and being scared to go for it or just casting them aside to make others feel more comfortable I am not living. When you give up your dream you die.

I feel in some ways the woman I once was is lost. I am trying to dig deep and get her back but a stronger version. I feel like I am wild animal who was caged and tamed and my wings were clipped and have lost my spirit and dreams. So many people allow others or even themselves clip their wings cage them to tame their wild. What’s sad is when this person has so much fear that even when they see everything they are meant for they stay in the cage even when it’s not locked.

I have been organizing our home and deep cleaning every area. I’ve been reading as much as possible. I know that I want to be around more people that are achievers, hustlers, dreamers, who are constantly learning and growing. I need to be around positive people. Negative people suck the life out of you and I cannot have them around me especially now while I am working on myself to be more positive more productive and have belief in myself and my dreams. I have been careful of what I’m taking in on social media as well I don’t want anything that will bring me down I just want positivity.

This year has already taken loved ones away I’ve lost two aunts but I know they are my guardian angels now watching over us all now. I don’t want to keep myself small anymore. I don’t want to to settle. Not in any aspect of my life it’s time for me to start fully living again 40 is way too young to give up and throw in the towel. So I am going to get up and fight to become whole to strive for my dreams and for all my relationships to be the best they can be.

I hope everyone has been doing good during this quarantine life. I appreciate you more than you will ever know. Thank you for taking the moment to read my thoughts. 🤗🙏🏡